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How can a manager control his temper?

Which one is more effective: talking or barking?

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When it comes to controlling emotions (temper) it is always easier said than done. But it can be trained and it all starts with creating self-awareness about our emotions. Having such awareness specifically denotes the importance of having a high degree of social & emotional intelligence in the discipline of management (the managing of others, whether employees, business relations or random members of our social circles).

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We all know the cliché that is not so much a cliché actually but closer to a fact:

you can’t control something you do not know well

&

you cannot manage others if you can’t even manage yourself.

I try to remind myself that emotions can always choose the rational path of calm words (smart & effective communication) instead of deeds and automatic reactions (impulsive communication). But our emotional reactions are naturally faster than our rational considerations. That’s a bio-physiological fact we can’t do much about, but can only tame gradually through training and lots of practice.

Talking

If you think about it, you can always TALK about your emotions; how angry, disappointed, misunderstood, tensed, worried or impatient you are about a certain employee’s attitude or performance, instead of BARKING OUT these emotions.

But the problem of emotions control often arises when:

  1. We think that our true thought/position in a certain situation can only be fully communicated, understood & respected by others when it is accompanied by emotion.
  2. We think that others will only take us seriously when they see our emotions (which can be true by the way depending on your audience and their level of social intelligence)
  3. Talking is viewed as a sign of weakness (culturally or group-collectively) and barking as a form of strength (also, culturally or group-collectively).
  4. We are not the talking type that releases regularly and timely but the type that bottles up impressions about others until they evolve into powerful untameable emotions that erupt at once like a volcano in the most poorly-timed & destructive manner!

Coaching

Controlling emotions does not necessarily imply suppressing them, but rather channelling them to reach effective communication. That’s why a face-to-face setting is usually preferred in solving conflicts, with as less external factors as possible influencing the calm & effectiveness of communication.

Communication is best served when conducted in a rational manner based on words and voiced thoughts that describe our emotions clearly & constructively, instead of uncontrolled eruptions that describe our words and thoughts poorly & destructively.

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Is It Okay to View Life With BEIGE-tinted Glasses, Instead of ROSE?

Don’t you hear this too often: “He views the world with rose-tinted glasses”. What is this all about?

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Who said that rose should always be the choice? What if I like beige as my metaphoric colour of life, that brings about the same feelings as rose does to the rest of humanity? I don’t always try to view the world with rose-tinted glasses or follow the metaphoric hype blindly, because frankly “rose” is not exactly my favourite colour, when it comes to viewing life as it is.

Life is not rose-tinted, and it does not become rose-tinted either when putting on rose-tinted spectacles. Life is colour-blind, colourful, “colourish”, multicoloured, colour-rich and colourless. Life can be a grey turbulent stormy day or a colourless quiet nap in sunny garden interrupted only by silent merriments of a shy breeze.

How many colours did you count in this imaginary scene?

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Rose is only part of it. Green, blue, yellow, red, grey, black or white colours contribute inextricably to making the mix the more natural one, a more whole one. Seeing the world via only rose-tinted glasses or only grey-tinted glasses manipulates the colour of trees, rivers, doves, sands, skies, lips and fire. It corrupts the natural “glow of emotions” and the spontaneous flow of thoughts. It also “dehumanizes” the inimitable beauty of a natural skin-colour. Try it!

Try to add rose to any “colour” you know of people, you know the skin-colour of people, while wearing your rose-tinted glasses. What image  would you really get now of that stunning sociable lady or that handsome funny man? I’d say an alien, an unearthly creature, to which my first spontaneous reaction would/should naturally be: estrangement and as a result of this, fear of strangers and strange.. things.

Friendship team

We are naturally made up to pick and observe all of these colours of life together or separate, for a reason, even when born colour-blind, I believe.

“Interruption”: People who are colour blind are believed to be generally less attentive to their appearance, by nature of the defect in their “life camera-lens”, with which they register the physical glow of things. They have little to great difficulty combining cloths of different or similar colours. As a result, they have difficulty being conventionally well-dressed or fashionable, even if they manage to be presentable. The interesting thing is that this is not a loss or a negative thing at all. You see, being less conditioned to their appearance makes them more attentive to the crucial, basic, non-superficial side of life with less care for what people think of them or view them (appearances). A dear person to me is like that, and it took me knowing this tiny piece of information to appreciate him more.

Colour psychology

The later established relationships between colours & emotions are the result of psychology as a science (Colour Psychology). But like most social sciences, psychology is the explanation and writing down of what has always been done by humans. We behaved in a certain way, without knowing why we behaved in certain way and then came psychology to tell us that using theorization, experimentation and analysis.  And we have learned to appreciate all of these colours, because we were able to observe them and make them part of what we have perceived as “whole”:, throughout our life, no matter long or short.

Do not choose one colour and cloud the clarity of your sight voluntarily. Negativity is only one colour of life, with black or grey as property psychology colours attributed to it. Well, I like them both, too; black AND grey. I like to put on these grey glasses once in a while, because I want to and I need to. They allow me to appreciate the natural colours of things and people I already have, seek appreciation and embrace contentment, whenever I take them off.

Try to live a colourful lifeDid you know that transparent glasses are always better for… a clear sight?

Eye-glasses are never rose, grey, black or brown per definition. Actually, glass is naturally transparent, colours were only added afterwards to it when it became possible in terms of making or producing. Also, remember that eye-glasses only have a different colour when the intent of wearing them is non-medical (not intended for improving sight) but aimed at “masking” or covering something else in its natural form (devoid of artificial colour), mostly under the pretence of being fashionable, thereby manipulating a certain clarity that we can’t deal with at some point, like a too shiny sunlight in an otherwise beautiful sunny day (or a too grim private situation amidst a happy family occasion).

Why do people wear black glasses at funerals? What are they hiding? Their tears? Why? Could it be, because it is “fashionable” and more likeable to be happy all the time? What if you truly are not happy? To whom would you pay “allegiance”; to you true emotions or to what people want them to be?

“Transparent” is my all times and all places favourite colour, for it is the colour of clarity, honesty, neutrality and tolerance. It tolerates the existence of all other colours in unequivocal peace and harmony.

Transparent is the true colour of invincible inner-happiness.

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Laughed My Ass Off Until I Woke Up One Day And Found That I Had No Ass Left!

I like to invent acronyms, as I ago (AIG). You know, like the wide-spread shortening of “By The Way” into BTW.

Weird topic, you think? Not really, give me and yourself 10-50 lines of break and we may both find out that I may actually be going somewhere with this. 🙂

A few years ago, I invented my own version of “LMAO“, the well-known internet slang meaning “Laughing My Ass Off”.  I invented it but I did not protect it, stupidly enough, cause it must be taking over the internet now like a storm without me noticing. Anyway, there is an intriguing background story to this whole thing too. Here it is:

Facebook-addict

I used to be overly active on Facebook from 2006 until about 3 years ago. You know, when I was young, fun (like you were) and obsessed with my second life, having only a positive & popular digital image to convey, after submitting to the “peer pressure” of another 1,5 billion people around the world who make up the total count of registered users of Facebook.

At that timethere was a female Facebook-friend of mine who used to have a monopoly on the use of LMAO on Facebook, thereby slowing the loading time of the whole Facebook website on a daily basis. She would add LMAO to almost every post, at the end of almost any and each status update on Facebook, almost everyday! 

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This should have been quite positive social media daily habit, right? After all, we are constantly told that social media is all about being positive, right? Well, NO! [That was my alter-ego speaking]. And my alter-ego thought of it differently at that time and triggered me to come to “the rescue” of that poor girl from a looming hazard to her future self-image. You see, I have seen that Facebook female friend in real life since she was a real life friend too in college, as an international student.

We had an excellent friendship enabled by our shared love for “social life” and discussion. Knowing the meaning of LMAO, while having a crystal-clear picture of how her almost anorexic body-posture looked like in real-life, and an idea of how she thinks of it in her not-so-real perception as being too fat (!), constantly popping into my mind every time she claims that she just “Laughed Her Ass Off” about something, I became scared. Terrified! So I came to her rescue and posted a well-meant status-reply on Facebook trying to be as subtle as I could, saying: LMAOUIWUODAFTIHNAL!

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She [liked] my post on Facebook and replied with a big innocent smiley. I guess she was still “laughing her ass off” and she viewed my reply as “gibberish”, while rolling on the floor. No surprise there! But I was serious and I had to break it down to her, so she gets my very urgent life-saving warning. So, I posted this as a follow-up: Laughing My Ass Off Until I Woke Up One Day And Found That I Had No Ass Left, expecting her to get the hint. Her reaction?

Beauty portrait of smiling asian girl healthy long straight hair isolated on white

Well, she posted three lines of a weird collection of laughing social media slang, tens of “haha’s” and smiley’s, skilfully jammed together in one reply that was visibly giggling on my screen, almost causing it to shake in “solidarity” with her giggle, and nearly causing it to fall off my desk and break! I held my screen with both hands to stop the “giggling” and clicked on a different page to calm down my PC. Now, that was some literally “damaging positivity”, wasn’t it?

Do you get my point? Well, she didn’t. She was a bright young lady, but she did not get it. She never broke that “damaging habit” of laughing too much, despite my stubborn resolution to “talk some positive sense” into her in the sense of “A day not laughed, in YOUR case, is a day gained”! I was just trying to be positive!

And, BTW (which, BTW, also means: Added-Value Tax in Dutch), the only reason why my self-invented term: LMAOUIWUODAFTIHNAL, did not pick up steam to go viral in the ever-expanding universe of social media, and the only reason why it was not added to the vast dictionary of internet slang (or the likes of Merriam-Webster) was the length of it. It was way too long. Even typing it was a pain in the BPTWSO (body part that we sit on). This subtracted from the very function of coining an acronym: shortening & simplification.

Other than that, I pride myself on the fact that many people, especially that girl, who did have a name but whom I preferred to call Meskina (which means “poor girl” in Arabic), still thinks it was a spark of “pure disturbingly disturbed genius”, or as she put it; PDDG!

In Arabic they say:”Good things you do, bad things you get”. My intentions were good and positive. I was just trying to relieve her from a future misery resulting from being “too positive” about her posts at the expense of… her BPTWSO. I hope she is happy now in a more “positive” way, and has a BPTWSO left to sit on.

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Why do some people have no feelings?

Don’t they? Come on, everybody has feelings, don’t they?

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I believe that the vast majority of people (if not everybody) is born with a healthy and balanced emotional system.

What happens afterwards, maybe from day one and onwards, is the disturbance of this balance due to one’s encounter with perceived part of life experiences (not all experiences have an effect on one’s psyche). This contributes to shaping one’s character, also in terms of social and emotional interaction. Such disturbance of natural emotional balance may cause the increase of emotional sensitivity/awareness or the (gradual) numbing of it, sometimes as a mere defense mechanism or traumatic reaction to an event or a series of events, I believe.

 

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But, yes, I do believe that some people may reach the level of a totally numbed down (shut down) emotional system. I believe psychopaths have such a thing as they’re characterized by having total or major absence of conscience or the feeling of guilt.

Psychopath